No Words, Just Noises
(Easy Slider).


Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 7.07.12 PM

Last week’s episode was a milestone— an episode I hadn’t seen before.

It was a wonderful surprise, as well. Sure, that episode is well-renowned in fan circles, but it’s still in Season Five. I wasn’t expecting much. The fact that it was also a wonderful, moving bit of television was just icing on the cake. Here we have a different beast— an episode known for being dumb. An episode where the most important thing mentioning is how it’s used as easy Peckinpah-baiting fodder.

Ah, David Peckinpah. I guess we should talk about him again, since there really isn’t any time after this where it would make sense. The first time he showed up in this project, with Murder Most Foul, I stridently defended him, saying that not only did he have a specific job to do— make Sliders exciting— but he was exemplary at that job. I also made sure that I found it in poor taste to continue calling him Peckinballs, because he’s deceased now, and no matter what he did to “our” show, that’s a tragedy.

Of course, what he ended up doing to “our” show was also a minor sadness. No matter how an episode like “Murder Most Foul” or “Dinoslide” was surprisingly good, there’s no excuse for the line that damned the show forever— the throwaway “breeding camp” line in “Genesis.” We will, sadly, deal with the final ramifications of that line next time. But suffice to say, that line led to the need for a few of the worst hours of television Sliders ever produced, all in the name of an actually “good” idea. We will never really know how long the “Zicree-Arc” of Season Four was really on the table, but we do know that in the end, it was definitely Peckinpah, thinking of the future marketing of the show, who shot it down.

Now, in Season Five, he’s not a key figure on the show anymore. But he’s still omnipresent, popping up every now and then to say “no” to a good idea. Or, he’s here, to give us the inspiration for this episode. As the legend goes, he popped his head into the office and said “I see Kari in tight leather pants, now go with it!

Needless to say, this is the worst way to start an episode. But also completely surprising is that the episode that resulted from that ridiculousness is also pretty darn good.

Okay, fine it is not “good.” It is not “good” like “Luck of the Draw” is good. But it is also not “good” in the way that “The Great Work” gets points for not being overtly misogynistic. It is not boring, it is not dull, it feels brisk, it is casted well, and— most surprising— the female protagonist is actually impressively strong and transgressive.

Oh, and did I mention?

I haven’t seen this one either.

So, in honor of the last episode of Sliders I’ve never seen before, let’s bring back an oldie but a goodie long since forgotten on this blog— the NOTES SET TO SCREENCAPS!

—whoa tunnel vortex!

Not having blown anything up this episode, they decided to blow the surplus budget on a Vortex-Tail.

Not having blown anything up this episode, they decided to blow the surplus budget on a Vortex-Tail.

AAAAAS YOOOOOU WIIIIIIIISH

I've probably said this before, but I might not say it again— DO A BARREL ROLL!

I’ve probably said this before, but I might not say it again— DO A BARREL ROLL!

how often is it the actors having fun rolling down hills instead of the characters

THESE BARREN EMPTY GODFORSAKEN HILLS HAVE STARTED TO RUN TOGETHER

I mean, maybe if you had said that about Hill Valley, but I'm pretty sure you've never been here before.

I mean, maybe if you had said that about Hill Valley, but I’m pretty sure you’ve never been here before.

ugh shoe joke

Does anyone even try to direct Tembi Locke? Does she know what she's doing? Who is this character supposed to be?

Does anyone even try to direct Tembi Locke? Does she know what she’s doing? Who is this character supposed to be?

lol dennis hopper

lol Jack Nicholson “SWAMP”

Just wait until ten minutes into this episode when Rembrandt is actually drunk.

Just wait until ten minutes into this episode when Rembrandt is actually drunk.

no diana it is obviously a truck

Unless she meant Mirage as in the brand of car? Like a Chevy Mirage or something?

Unless she meant Mirage as in the brand of car? Like a Chevy Mirage or something?

DISSOLVE

if this was “revelations” the first act would have been spent waiting for the truck to get there

Does anyone even use dissolves anymore? Are they extinct? Why do they look so weird?

Does anyone even use dissolves anymore? Are they extinct? Why do they look so weird?

at least they didn’t mention Canada

ha ha Mallory is such a skeeze

Wow, he moves fast.

No, I do not want to hear about “cocktail theater.”

ha ha but she’s going for it

A MATCH MADE IN GROSS HUMAN HEAVEN

OH MY GOSH SHE'S SO CUTE SHE'S LIKE A LIL' BUNNY OR SOMETHING

OH MY GOSH SHE’S SO CUTE SHE’S LIKE A LIL’ BUNNY OR SOMETHING

OH EW TONGUE

are they going to have sex on the van? right now?

"Look, stranger! I can touch the tip of my nose!"

“Look, stranger! I can touch the tip of my nose!”

i think i’m fine with that.

Wow, I think he actually pulled it out.

Wow, I think he actually pulled it out.

wait we’re still in the teaser, right?

quick talking Sam. I like her a lot! she’s good! even if she does do that tongue thing all the time.

Smelly tongues look just as they feel.

Smelly tongues look just as they feel.

 oh man that’s pretty grim there, mystery cops, mystery body.

A lot of firsts in this episode. First sexy time, first gnarly dead body time!

A lot of firsts in this episode. First sexy time, first gnarly dead body time!

whoa that is actually really gruesome.

Like, what did they even do to that guy? Did they set him on fire? That's sort of weird, isn't it?

Like, what did they even do to that guy? Did they set him on fire? That’s sort of weird, isn’t it?

OH MY GOD IS THAT THE DAD FROM THE MIDDLE

hey, wow, that’s a good teaser!

Weekend at Bernie's 3: The Middle.

Weekend at Bernie’s 3: The Middle.

OH HA HA I’m watching this in french this episode is called “A World of Smokers”

which is funny, because it is actually called Easy Slider and they have ALREADY MADE A JOKE ABOUT EASY RIDER.

I mean, yeah, I guess?

I mean, yeah, I guess?

wait, “clean air act?” is this supposed to be a parable for our misuse of Mother Gaia?

nope!

oh no are we revisiting The Fire Within? barf

Please God, give Rembrandt the strength not to wear wraparound Oakleys.

Please God, give Rembrandt the strength not to wear wraparound Oakleys.

Diana is literally the worst scientist/person ever.

I'm pretty sure that scientists are aware that people sometimes get drunk and make out.

I’m pretty sure that scientists are aware that people sometimes get drunk and make out.

MAKE OUT

Oh that was quick!

Lest you forget that people made out all the fucking time in Season One!

Lest you forget that people made out all the fucking time in Season One!

WHAT DIANA YOU ARE SUCH A SQUARE

WOW BARTENDER YOU ARE SUCH A SQUARE

Good job. Here's your SAG card.

Good job. Here’s your SAG card.

HA HA everyone is drunk. Thank god they are so drunk during this boring exposition session.

Ew Magic Fingers I am pretty sure he is using his right now.

Pretty much at any moment in this episode, Mallory is using his Magic Fingers.

Pretty much at any moment in this episode, Mallory is using his Magic Fingers.

LAST ONE DAYS lol

 

Sure, but does "being murdered by bikers while driving" really count as an "accident?" Can you claim workman's comp for that? NITPICKS

Sure, but does “being murdered by bikers while driving” really count as an “accident?” Can you claim workman’s comp for that? NITPICKS

“what’s a Humvee?” are you serious? YOU’RE ON SLIDERS YOU DUMBASS.

Diana is so underdeveloped as a character she makes Wade look like Buck Mulligan.

Diana is so underdeveloped as a character she makes Wade look like Buck Mulligan.

Man, this episode is pretty funny! Mallory being his usual horny self and getting away with it is hilarious!

SASSY FACE

No, I've never read Ulysses.

No, I’ve never read Ulysses.

IT HAS TO START WITH SEX

I’d rather they go balls-out with the insanity than balls-out with the REALLY FUCKING BORING like usual. (make out scene)

You choose— either this is a shot of two stunt drivers, or a shot of Mallory & Sam fucking in a truck.

You choose— either this is a shot of two stunt drivers, or a shot of Mallory & Sam fucking in a truck.

“NOPE, I’M AN IDIOT!” Love you!

Why do they hit oil trucks? Why did they dub that line?

Bit Parts on Sliders: The Reckoning.

Bit Parts on Sliders: The Reckoning.

Oh, I guess they didn’t come.

This happened to me in an airport once, but it turned out they were clapping for the soldier behind me.

This happened to me in an airport once, but it turned out they were clapping for the soldier behind me.

FALLING IN HER VAGINA, IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN MAGGIE?

What a fun bar this is!

AHH DIANA'S FAACE

AHH DIANA’S FAACE

Wait, she keeps it right there? In the open? DUDE CLOSE THE SHED.

"What shed?"

“What shed?”

“what’s it going to be?” first, CLOSE THE SHED.

"No, I'm not going to close the shed."

“No, I’m not going to close the shed.”

shouldn’t they, like, wait until night time?

HA HA HA CLIMAX

Um... right.

Draw me like one of your french girls.

WOW, Diana has had sex.

Probably.

Probably.

Probably by finding this super obvious Smoker hangout.

Whoa that side-car wheelie is pretty sick tho.

So much fun in the Smoker Town! So much noise! So many lights! I give 'em a week before they're all in jail.

So much fun in the Smoker Town! So much noise! So many lights! I give ’em a week before they’re all in jail.

HA HA AH TOTALLY SICK DISSOLVE INTO THAT CHROOOME

From making out to breaking out... THESE SICK RIMS

From making out to breaking out… THESE SICK RIMS

WOW MOTO-JOUSTING!

WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH ROBERT FLOYD!?

WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH ROBERT FLOYD!?

Man, the cast hasn’t been this drunk since Season Two.

“Come On You Bad Thing” says the girl in the HIGH-WAISTED KHAKIS

Girl makes it work, though. As only women in 1999 could.

Girl makes it work, though. As only women in 1999 could.

New drinking game— every time Sam says “baby.”

WHOA SAM IS SUCH A BETTER FLAG GIRL

YABBA DABBA DOO

YABBA DABBA DOO

EW THIS IS GROSS TIRA MISU

THAT IS NOT WHAT TIRA MISU MEANS SAM

Sam's just telling us what she thinks of next week's episode.

Sam’s just telling us what she thinks of next week’s episode.

CUE BLUESY PORNO MUSIC/COULD THEY STOP FUCKING ALREADY?

I mean I guess this is pretty hot tho

"Hot" in the way that beige is a "warm" color.

“Hot” in the way that beige is a “warm” color.

This is literally the most erotic scene that Sliders has ever had. So… um, cool?

“NO WORDS, JUST NOISES”

“Something that Big Sister Will never Understand” this is weird pillow talk.

To think there was a time when Rembrandt got laid every other week...

To think there was a time when Rembrandt got laid every other week…

I’m not sure a “righteous cause” is really going to keep you alive?

LOL EVERYONE ELSE IS GOING TO DIE BECAUSE YOU COULDNT KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS.

Your matching khaki pants.

Your matching khaki pants.

HA HA HA YEAH RIGHT MALLORY

THIS IS SO FUNNY YOU DO NOT LOVE HER

When did Rembrandt ever tell him that? They are so not allowed to stay on whatever world they want.

Also, what about fucking Quinn? Like, Jerry O’Connell Quinn? IS NO ONE GOING TO TALK ABOUT HIM?

Man, even Diana is a more fleshed-out character than Rembrandt is at this point.

Man, even Diana is a more fleshed-out character than Rembrandt is at this point.

Wait, five hours? MALLORY WAS FUCKING SAM FOR A LITERAL DAY AND A HALF

Wow this is going to go really sour, isn’t it! (Probably not actually that sour)

Though I guess it doesn't go sour in the way you think it would?

Though I guess it doesn’t go sour in the way you think it would?

HA HA WHAT’S UP DUDES

 

Hey, look! A sex-positive independent female character on Sliders! Blink and you'll miss it!

Hey, look! A sex-positive independent female character on Sliders! Blink and you’ll miss it!

WOW MALLORY’S FACE IS AWESOME

It’s pretty funny how Mallory is so against polygamy.

OH GOD A SEX-POSITIVE INDEPENDENT FEMALE CHARACTER ON SLIDERS RUN AWAY SCREAMING

OH GOD A SEX-POSITIVE INDEPENDENT FEMALE CHARACTER ON SLIDERS RUN AWAY SCREAMING

#1 Husband!

Despite this episode being born of the most boring misogyny, Sam is actually a pretty strong transgressive female character!

I mean, he is being childish. “Come on!

“I didn’t create this culture, it has been this way forever.” That line is awesome.

A REAL WOMAN!

A REAL WOMAN

SAM IS AWESOME. Even if she’s like, betraying… someone? I mean, I don’t care if Mallory gets hurt, he’s being a loser. (That being said, the fanfic where Mallory changes his mind and has an orgy with Sam and her Husbands is awesome. Please tell me it really exists.)

It exists and you are never going to see it.

It exists and you are never going to see it.

Well, that was easy.

The most awkward chips and salsa ever.

The most awkward chips and salsa ever.

Oh wow, that’s a good idea, Smokers! FOOLED YOUUUUU!

I mean, obviously none of this is necessarily exciting, but it is at least not boring!

YEAH YOU FUCK THAT TABLE UP, SMOKERS!

YEAH YOU FUCK THAT TABLE UP, SMOKERS!

HA HA HA, yeah, instead of talking this over like usual let’s just JOUST.

For real, though, it would have been so boring if Mallory had just made THE PERFECT SPEECH.

For real, though, it would have been so boring if Mallory had just made THE PERFECT SPEECH.

Man it must have been REALLY LOUD at this location (thank God it’s not the backlot, tho), every single line is dubbed over!

It's so nice how the cast has literally NOTHING TO DO this entire episode except talk about how much sex Mallory is having.

It’s so nice how the cast has literally NOTHING TO DO this entire episode except talk about how much sex Mallory is having.

HA HA “c’mon Mallory!” Who yelled that, Diana?

JOUUUUUUSSSSTTTTTTTTT

"This would be perfect to IMPALE SOMEONE TO DEATH with!"

“This would be perfect to IMPALE SOMEONE TO DEATH with!”

You can’t bring a flail to a Joust!

A flail doesn't even make sense in a JOUST!!!

A flail doesn’t even make sense in a JOUST!!!

Also are the cops really not going to like, come back?

Because I am pretty sure there is someone they could arrest for indecent exposure.

Because I am pretty sure there is someone they could arrest for indecent exposure.

I’m just saying, Sam would totally be dead from that pole…

Meanwhile, I am dead from the horror of this shot.

Meanwhile, I am dead from the horror of this shot.

Oh, maybe she is dying! I bet she’s bleeding internally. She probably keels over and dies seconds after they slide.

No seriously, she is going to die from this.

No seriously, she is going to die from this.

AWWW SAM 🙁

I've got tears in my chrome...

I’ve got tears in my chrome…

I mean, they probably just turn right back around and steal the oil anyways, but it’s a nice shot to leave them on.

Aw, Sliders. Why are you so good with those "tiny little bits of extreme character development from only a half-smile?"

Aw, Sliders. Why are you so good with those “tiny little bits of extreme character development from only a half-smile?”

Hey, y’know, that wasn’t bad at all! Like, it was really silly. But it was so fun! And there wasn’t any kind of awful handling of women (other than the waitresses and the flag girl, but they were part of the mise-en-scene, I’d argue).

Goodbye, Sliders!

Goodbye, Sliders!

So that’s it! That’s the last episode of Sliders I hadn’t seen before. I loved it, of course. You sort of have to in times like these (unless the episode was “Requiem,” I guess). I’d say, though, that this episode was also a step above a lot of similar episodes. It wasn’t really compelling, and it didn’t have anything to say about… anything, really. But I can’t complain. It was so damn fun, it didn’t really matter.

So hey, cross it off the list. End that chapter. What a good ride.

 

Next week: the end of another chapter, a less good ride (Requiem).

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