Lipschitz Live

Quinn is launched from the wormhole, and when he stands up, he finds he’s all alone. Similarly, Colin exits the wormhole looking for his friends only to find that they aren’t there. Working his way down an alley, Colin tries to enlist the aid of a group of transients watching a television show called “Lipschitz Live,” but they ignore him.

Rembrandt and Maggie aren’t so lucky. They’re hanging from a cleaning platform on the outside of a very high building.

Walking on a city street, Quinn sees “Lipschitz Live” in an electronic store window and notices that everyone walking around is watching the show. Televisions are mounted around the street so that no one will miss the show.

After pulling themselves to the platform, Rembrandt and Maggie raise it to the roof of the building. Maggie sees Colin down on the ground walking toward the Chandler, but he can’t hear her because of the elevation.

At the Chandler, Quinn asks the clerk, Gomez Calhoun, if his friends have arrived. When Calhoun says no, Quinn asks to rent a room. Surprisingly, the hotel is booked solid for a corporate wedding that is taking place in a few hours. Shocked, Quinn asks to leave a message but is denied as he isn’t a patron of the hotel.

Maggie asks Rembrandt if they’ve ever been separated like this before, and Rembrandt relates the events of Gillian of the Spirits. Together, they set out to find Quinn and Colin and make the slide.

In the Chandler bar, Quinn meets Hal the bartender and asks him about Barry Lipschitz as well as ordering a full-sized meal and charging it to one of the corporations staying in the hotel, Millennia Media.

Rembrandt and Maggie arrive at the Chandler Hotel and ask for Quinn Mallory. Gomez says that only a Colin Mallory is booked here. Heading up to Colin’s room, they find Chinese food, a suitcase and a lot of money. “Lipschitz Live” is on the television.

As Colin makes his way towards the Chandler, two men in black suits proceed to follow him. Colin enters the Chandler looking for his friends, receives the same warm reception from Gomez that Quinn got and is about to meet up with his brother when the two goons who followed him take him and rush him out of the hotel. As he leaves, we see a duplicate of Colin sitting on the couch, hiding behind a newspaper.

Alt-Colin leaves the hotel, smoking a cigarette. Rembrandt and Maggie grab him but he walks straight into the path of an ambulance. Locals crowd around, taking pictures and videotaping the whole thing. With 90 minutes left before the slide, Hal clues Quinn in on Barry Lipschitz. After a bunch of bizarre corporate mergers involving the Unabomer, Lipschitz became a wildly popular television star.

Colin is placed in a limousine, where his stepfather, MacArthur Mallory tells him that he is the heir to Intercorp and that there is an important merger. Colin is given a tuxedo and rushed off.

At the Van Nuys Hospital, Rembrandt and Maggie go to see Alt-Colin. Rembrandt laughs and the two help him get dressed, telling him they have to get ready for the slide.

Quinn arrives at the studio where Lipschitz Live is taped. The producer tells him that science fiction is out. Quinn tells her that he met the female version of himself (see Double Cross), and the producer asks if he had sex with her. It seems to work, since it gets Quinn on the air.

Meanwhile, Colin arrives at his double’s wedding. The bride comes in, and in a truly bizarre wedding, the two corporations are pronounced one and the merger is complete. Well… almost. Colin and his wife, Roxanne Crane need to consummate the merger personally.

The taping of Lipschitz Live begins, and Barry Lipschitz appears. He talks about two of his guests, who are interdimensional travelers. The first guest is Arnold Potts, a guy wearing a shiny suit who claims he can project his astral form anywhere in the universe. Quinn comes out and is amazed at the ridiculous attire Potts is wearing.

Rembrandt and Maggie see Quinn on the show and know they only have 45 minutes left to get to KKRP, the station where “Lipschitz Live” is broadcast.. They take Alt-Colin with them. Meanwhile, Colin is at the hotel suite with Roxanne. Colin tries to explain to her that he is not the man she loves, but she laughs and tells him to get ready for the consummation. At this, Colin runs and hides in the bathroom. In the bathroom is a television, and Colin sees Quinn on “Lipschitz Live.”

On “Lipschitz Live,” Potts mocks Quinn’s timer and pulls out his own, a mammoth contraption that almost looks like Quinn’s from the Pilot. Quinn dismisses it and knocks it out of Potts’ hand, prompting a fist fight.

Outside the hospital, Alt-Colin urges Rembrandt and Maggie to go to the airport. They remind him they have to go to KKRP television studio to meet up with Quinn and make the slide. Suddenly, “Lipschitz Live” busts in to broadcast the merger of Colin and Roxanne. Seeing this, along with other not-so-subtle clues, Rembrandt and Maggie realize they have Colin’s double. Alt-Colin is overjoyed to know that he doesn’t have to worry about getting married anymore. Rembrandt and Maggie remind Alt-Colin that marrying Roxanne will mean he gets all kinds of money, and suddenly Alt-Colin has a change of heart. They head to the Chandler.

After walking on the ledge, Colin goes inside one of the rooms. He sees MacArthur and is thrown back into the bridal suite.

Roxanne finally believes that Colin isn’t her boyfriend, based mostly on the fact that this Colin isn’t a rabidly horny individual. She takes a liking to Colin and agrees to get him to KKRP to meet up with Quinn. They make up a story about buying the station for the corporation, and MacArthur buys it, giving them the limo to ride in style.

Minutes later, Rembrandt, Maggie and Alt-Colin arrive in MacArthur’s room and demand to know where Colin and Roxanne are. MacArthur, understandably confused, buys another limo and they ride over to KKRP as well.

Everyone reunites at the studio, and Quinn opens the vortex, much to the surprise of Lipschitz and Arnold Potts. Alt-Colin and Roxanne share a cuddly moment, but Lipschitz opens up the floor by asking if she’s married to two different men.

It’s wacky. It’s irreverent. It’s “Lipschitz Live.”

Worlds Visited

Lipschitz World Weird media conglomerations have transformed a schlock daytime television host into the most watched entertainment/news personality in the world.

Details

• The first portion of “Lipschitz Live” is brought to you by “Body Slam” Malt Liquor.
• Quinn passes a realtor’s office and a floral shop on his way to the Chandler.
• The sign inside the Chandler reads:The Chandler Welcomes
  InfiniCorp &
  Millennia Media
  TO THE
  1997 World Television
  Corporate Summit
• Colin’s double is staying in room 412 of the Chandler Hotel.
• Alt-Colin is reading the Sports section of USA Today.
• The Chrysler advertisement on the back of Colin’s newspaper says “Introducing the newest member of team Monte Carlo.”
• Articles on the Sports page include:
  • Making the points
  • Lakers subdue [rest illegible]
• “Lipschitz Live” is broadcast from KKRP.
• The license plate on MacArthur Mallory’s limo reads MILMEDIA.
• Infinicorp and Millennium Media have been at war for over 50 years.
• “Lipschitz Live” is taped at SC24, and guests enter through the artist’s entrance.
• The Hilton runs an airport shuttle every 30 minutes.
• Copies of Lipschitz: Too Hot for TV can be purchased for only $19.95.

Character Information

• Colin’s double has a ton of monogrammed clothing and eats Chinese food.
• Colin’s parents left him a two-room cabin, four cows and some chickens.
• Colin misses his father.
• Big surprise: Colin’s a virgin.

Money Matters

• Quinn charges a beer and a lobster dinner to Millennium Media.
• Maggie and Rembrandt skip out on the hospital bill for Alt-Colin.
• Colin buys KKRP with his double’s money.

Cultural References

• KKRP is the west-of-the-Mississippi equivalent of WKRP in Cincinnati, a show that staff writer Chris Black used to write for.
• “The Senator, while denying he was drunk, could not explain his nudity” is part of the opening sequence of “WKRP.”

The Rise of Barry Lipschitz

• Barry Lipschitz got his name as a reporter for INN network during the war with Guam.
• INN merged with TBC after the war.
• Global bought TBC and then later merged with UNIMAX.
• All of this was folded into the Turnbull Group.
• General Comco swallowed up the Turnbull Group.
• The Unabomer bought all of this, and since he liked Lipschitz so much, put him on all of the networks.

Topics on Lipschitz Live

• Head Implants — Proof of alien abduction or dental malpractice?
• A man claiming he’s the reincarnation of Nostradamus, but insists he doesn’t remember making any prophecies.
• A weeklong look at the paranormal.
• The dog who predicted the Los Angeles earthquake and the results of last year’s Rose Bowl.
• The Bowling Ball Freeway maniac strikes again! This time on the Richard Nixon Freeway in Yorba Linda!
• Cletus Shepard — world record holder for being buried alive in a 6 by 4 box.
• A 10-year-old Webelo scout in Ashland, Kentucky is actually a clone!
• Another Batboy found on Long Island!
• Dwayne the cross-dressing fisherman!
• Space aliens, interdimensional travelers — are they among us?
• A panel of reviewers discuss the controversial book: “Satan: What’s the Big Deal?”
• Flying chairs!
• Transvestite cats!
• On-stage shootouts!
• Sex change operations performed before a live studio audience!

On Mergers and Acquisitions

• The bride and the groom are both the representatives of major corporations. Each is dressed in traditional wedding attire, and members of each corporation are seated in pews behind them.
• There is no justice of the peace. Instead, of the major heads of the corporations holds the ledger that both the bride and groom must sign. Upon signing it, they are pronounced man and wife.
• Exiting the chapel, members of both corporations raise their briefcases above their heads, forming a canopy to walk under.
• The wedding isn’t quite over, yet. The merger must be consummated with two witnesses present. When that’s done, the wedding is considered final.

Notable Quotes

• “Somehow, this has to be Quinn’s fault.” — Maggie, on finding themselves forty stories up… literally.
• “‘Cuz you’re the man, act like one!” — Maggie, to Rembrandt. Huh? That came from Maggie?
• “Maggie, I’m looking at freaking seagulls up here, he can’t hear you!” — Rembrandt.
• “That’s the trouble with you kids today. You read too damn much. You don’t watch enough television.” — Hal the barkeep, to Quinn.
• “Your clicker is definitely bigger than my clicker.” — Quinn, after seeing the monolith that Hal uses to change channels.
• “Just how good of a friend of mine are you, toots?” — Alt-Colin to Maggie, who slaps him a few seconds later.
• “Hey baby, I’m still a little groggy. You wanna help me on with those pants?” — Alt-Colin, acting a little like a pig.
• “Since cable died, there’s no market for shows about scientific whiz kids who live in their parent’s basement and have no life!” — Lipschitz producer. If you don’t get it, you’re watching the wrong show.
• “Did you have sex with her?” — the producer, after Quinn tells her about Logan St. Claire.
• “Look at him, he doesn’t even have an outfit!” — Astral chaneler Arnold Potts, mocking Quinn’s regular wardrobe.
• “I’ll give you baby cakes!” — Maggie, slapping Alt-Colin, which prompts him to respond, “That’s a feisty broad!”
• “You call that a timer? You call that a timer?! That’s a timer!” — Arnold, making fun of Quinn’s timer.
• “I think we’ll buy that channel that shows nothing but science fiction programming!” — Colin. Um, he sure isn’t talking about the Sci-Fi Channel.
• “No, no, no. I don’t take cabs. We’ll buy another limo.” — MacArthur Mallory.
• “Those crazy Sliders, I tell you!” — Hal the barkeep, after watching the vortex open and close on national television.

Nitpicks/Errors

• How come Rembrandt remembers when Quinn was separated from them in Gillian of the Spirits but not being totally separated from Quinn and the Professor for days during Summer of Love?
• If they’re going to name the hotel concierge Gomez Calhoun, why not hire William Sasso, who originated the role? He works in Los Angeles now on “Mad TV.”
• What are the odds that Colin’s stepfather would also have the last name Mallory?
• The goggles that Arnold Potts wears on “Lipschitz Live” are also the VR goggles seen in Virtual Slide, which incidentally is the other episode written by Keith Damron this season.
• Why is the hospital that they take Colin to labeled Van Nuys Hospital like it was in Asylum? How difficult is it to re-label a piece of glass?
• I’ll leave it up to you to decide how a local station like KKRP is still producing the number one television show in the world, let alone how “Lipschitz Live” stays on the air all day.
• Are Rembrandt and Maggie really that dense?
• Why would the United States pick a fight with Guam? On Earth Prime, Guam is a territory of the U.S.

Neatpicks

• Quinn’s discussion about transporting everyone to another world on “Lipschitz Live” recounts events seen in World Killer.
• The WKRP references are noted below.
• The name of Lipschitz, played by Charlie Brill, originated on “Silk Stalkings,” also starring Charlie Brill and executive produced by David Peckinpah. Intentional? You betcha.

Guest Stars

• Charlie Brill as Barry Lipschitz
• Israel Juarbe as Gomez Calhoun
• Tim Thomerson as MacArthur Mallory
• Jennifer McComb as Roxanne Crane
• Jon Kassir as Arnold Potts
• Scott Kloes as Hal the bartender

1. Israel Juarbe also plays Gomez Calhoun in Roads Taken and To Catch a Slider.
2. Scott Kloes reprises his role as Hal the Bartender in The Unstuck Man, and plays a man in Asylum.